For Women:
- Never forget to tell your special someone how wonderful they are. Yeah, it probably pisses you off when they leave their dirty clothes everywhere. Maybe they didn’t help clean up dinner last night. But if you’re still with them, there must be a reason why you like them. Maybe it’s the smell of their deodorant that reminds you of the good times during high school. Maybe it’s because they willingly let you pop their zits. Maybe it’s the way he kisses you in the morning before he goes to work, even though you know your breath smells like something died in the cavern of your mouth and is now rotting behind your bicuspids. Tell them why they’re amazing. Often.
- Believe it or not, men deserve to be treated sometimes too. Buy him some flowers, or bring home his favorite candy. Just don’t buy a card—they don’t appreciate sappy cards as much as us over-emotional, fairytale-seeking women do.
- Be interested in the things they are. We’re all different, I realize that. But if they’re really passionate about something, show some interest. It doesn’t have to be your new favorite thing and you’re going to do all the research in the world about it, but at least listen to him when he talks about it. Engage back in conversation. Ask questions about it. They love when you’re actually acknowledging what it is they’re telling you. I know, it’s super easy to tune them out, but make sure you listen often.
- Watch that stupid movie that you don’t give two shits about. American Pie is stupid. Bloody, gore-infested movies are disgusting. But every once in a while, watch one with him. You could even turn it into a game and try and distract him during it (if you catch my drift, wink wink). Watch a scary movie and cuddle him tight. Fall asleep in his arms if you really don’t want to watch it. But let him watch some of his shit.
- Be honest, but not mean. Hate those jeans he’s worn for 5 days straight? Get annoyed when he chews like a cow eating cud? Don’t like that he’s been eating one too many twinkies in the last month? You have the right to tell him. He needs to hear it. But don’t be rude or sarcastic about it. Buy him some new clothes, ask him politely to chew a little quieter, tell him that you want to start working out and that he should join you so you aren’t lonely. He’ll appreciate that you’re being nice and you’ll appreciate that he isn’t being a disgusting oinker.
- Go out and pretend like it’s your first date. Sit across the table from him at the restaurant. Dress nicely. Flirt with each other. Talk about your political views, your thoughts about time travel, the most interesting thing you heard on the radio today. Don’t talk about the bills that need to be paid or the kids or how badly your jobs suck. There’s always time for that. Just make it about getting to know the other person more thoroughly than you already do.
- Make him overdress (this is my personal favorite). If you’re going to a family dinner or church or out on a date, tell him to wear his best. Slacks, a dress shirt, shoes that aren’t made from cloth, and—gasp—a tie. Then match him with your nice dress, pretty make up and heels. The better you think you look, the nicer you’ll feel. Which puts everyone in a better mood. Seriously, change the fuck out of those sweatpants and put on a bra, lazyass.
- Buy two sets of matching bras and underwear. When relationships get familiar, they also tend to get a little routine. So break out the matching panties every once in a while. You’ll feel better about the way you look because you’re put together, which in turn will make you more confident, which always helps in the bedroom. Believe me, I think I wrote another blog about this. *see Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby*
- Cook him a damn good meal. Whether he’s 140 lbs or 340 lbs, every man likes good food. Make him something special every once in a while so that he knows his hard work is worth something. All-Recipes has wonderful ideas for meals to cook, and you can even find a dessert to go along with it. Seriously, no man will be mad at you for something stupid if you have a full meal, plus dessert (and maybe his favorite type of beer) waiting for him. They love that shit.
- Have sex. Woah, woah woah, did I really just have to make that a suggestion? Yes, love birds, if you can’t remember the last time you had sex, it’s probably time to do it. You don’t even have to make it all about him—he’d probably appreciate it if you told him exactly what you wanted. But seriously, I see way too many people with issues because they don’t have enough honky-tonky time. Get your stank-nasty on. Go to the capital of Sleezytown and meet Mayor Whack-A-Mole. Bask in the warm rays of candlelight and tiptoe through the gardens of passion from which your loins are calling for. As one of my idols once said, wham bam right in the clam –Daniel Tosh.
The Pregnancy Ramble 